Best Chuck Norris Jokes
chuck norris jokes and facts collection
- Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
- Chuck Norris can make a suicide negotiator jump!
- Chuck Norris sleeps with every girl on the planet each month resulting in bleeding for a week. - Peter
- Chuck Norris once walked into a photography store that specialized in head shots, he roundhouse kicked the owner in the face, no-one does better head shots than Chuck Norris. - Arron
- There's going to be a sequel to Alien vs. Predator, and Chuck Norris is going to be in it. To bad there's not going to be an alien or a predator anymore. - Dan
- Chuck Norris' house doesn't provide him shelter. It provides the entire outside world shelter from Chuck Norris. - Pat
- Why did Chuck Norris cross the street? To roundhouse kick the chicken. - Greg
- A blind man once bumped into Chuck Norris, immediately curing his blindness. However, the first and last thing he saw was Chuck Norris's foot.
- Chuck Norris can resist Megan Fox, but Megan Fox can't resist Chuck Norris. - Ish
- When Hulk cant open a pickle jar, he calls Chuck Norris. - Ethan
- Chuck Norris doesn't need buttons to make an elevator go up and down - he tells it to. - Ethan
- Chuck Norris is the only man alive to strangle someone with a cordless phone.
- When Chuck Norris throws a roundhouse kick, he has to slow it down for it to exist. - Terry B.
- God created man, Sam Colt made them equal. God created Chuck Norris. F**k you Sam Colt. - Terry B.
- Chuck Norris caught smallpox - it hasn't been heard from since. - Terry B.
- Chuck Norris was placed in the Air Force when he enlisted because he kept lifting off the ground whenever he kicked without tight jeans. - Terry B.
- Chuck Norris is God's original prototype for the Messiah, but he had to be recalled when the nails didn't work. - Terry B.
- Chuck Norris disproves the Theory of Evolution. There were people born after 1940. - Terry B.
- Rosa Parks was just saving her seat for Chuck Norris. - Sarah
- Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked George Bush and turned him into Barrack Obama. - John C.
- Chuck Norris made the ShamWow guy shut up. - John C.
- You can't draw Chuck Norris - the paper will run away in fear before you even start. - John C.
- Chuck Norris can smell fear... with his ears. - John C.
- Chuck Norris can say antidisestablishmentarianism in one syllable. - John C.
- Chuck Norris was shot in the back and was grateful, the bullet hit an itch he couldn't reach. - Monty
- Sir Isaac Newtons "Laws Of Relativity" have a Chuck Norris clause. - Monty
- Bobby Fisher challenged Chuck Norris to a chess game but he lost because his chess pieces were afraid to win. - Monty
- Why the hell did no one think to ask Chuck Norris to seal the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico? - Monty
- Guinness Book of World Records has asked Chuck Norris not to participate, besides he already has an autobiography. - Monty
- Freddy Krueger once visited Chuck Norris in a dream, now Freddy sleeps with a night light. - Monty
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bill Gates in the face, and said "Windows 7 was my idea, B**ch." - Salvatore O.
- Chuck Norris once had a wet dream and almost drowned - Salvatore O.
- Chuck Norris once beat up his shadow because it acted too much like him. - Donald
- Chuck Norris doesn't close things, he opens them backwards.
- Chuck Norris does not wear a condom because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once had sex in the back of a pickup truck and some of his sperm leaked into the engine. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime. - Donald
- Chuck Norris doesn't have facial hair, facial hair has Chuck Norris. - Donald
- Chuck Norris doesn't have a last name. - Donald
- Terrorists hide from the United States because they have Chuck Norris on their side.
- Chuck Norris does not use spell check. However he spells a word is now the correct way.
- Superman and Chuck Norris bet on an arm wrestling contest. The loser had to wear there underwear on the outside of their clothes.
- Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
- Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The lenses shattered on contact.
- Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice his steak.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need Twitter - he's already following you.
- Chuck Norris went to a Wendy's at 2 a.m. and they were closed. He got pissed and roundhouse kicked Wendy's so hard that it turned into a McDonalds. - Eric
- Once a snake bit Chuck Norris but after 10 days of horrible pain the snake finally died. - Janko
- Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
- As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in the hills of Tunsca. Nine months later they birthed the 1972 Miami Dolphins.
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- Chuck Norris is the reason Michael Jackson is white - he got the black round-house kicked out of him!
- An Asian man ate 300 hot dogs in 30 minuets. Not to be out down, Chuck Norris ate 3 Asian men in 3 seconds!
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three turns!
- Chuck Norris invented the C-section when he roundhouse kicked his way into the world!
- Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal!
- In the 1/2 second before Chuck Norris kicks someone he actually ass rapes them and has a 3 course dinner!
- Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
- Cloning is outlawed because of Chuck Norris because if 2 Chuck Norris' were to roundhouse kick each out it would create another big bang!
- Chuck Norris and Mr. T decided to fight but the only place same enough was the beginning of time, when Chuck Norris kicked Mr. T it created God!*
*Chuck Norris kicked Mr. T's ass. - Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he's never cried.
- One time, Chuck Norris stubbed his toe, and destroyed the whole state of Ohio!
- Chuck Norris recently had sex with another man not because he's gay, but because he's slept with every woman on the planet!
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
- Once Chuck Norris was frightened... then he realized he had just seen his reflection.
- Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill!
- Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield!
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
- Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego!
- Chuck Norris once fought God, when Chuck Norris kicked him, Jesus came out.
- Chuck Norris gave Jesus a birthday card on December 25th, but he didn't know that wasn't Jesus' birthday. Jesus was too scared to correct him so he changed it to December 25th.
- Chuck Norris is 1/3rd Cherokee, not because of heritage, the man ate a stinking Indian!
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris cannot only kill you in the blink of an eye he can kill you WITH the blink of an eye.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- Chuck Norris has a pie eating contest with Mr. T once. They both had to eat 100 pies and tied, Mr. T ate them in 30 minutes, Chuck Norris spent the first 25 minutes kicking the rest of the A team's asses and then ate all 100 in 5 minutes.
- The opening scene of the movie 'Saving Private Ryan' is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
- Some English man once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This is want we now refer to as the American Revolution.
- Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
- Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this 'an off day.'
- It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
- According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face...YESTERDAY!
- If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, who has more money? Chuck Norris does.
- Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.
- Chuck Norris invented the phrase 'Put a foot in your mouth.'
- Chuck Norris can kill dead people.
- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
- Chuck Norris can point at an airplane and say, "Bang," and it'll blow up.
- Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris has never cried.
- There is no such thing as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
- Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
- Apple pays Chuck Norris .99 cents every time he listens to a song.
- Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
- The Bible used to be called Chuck Norris and Friends.
- Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
- Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
- Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
- On the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records, it says Chuck Norris holds all records and these are simply the runners up.
- They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mt. Rushmore, but the granite was not hard enough for his beard!
- When Chuck Norris does push ups, he doesn't push himself up - he pushes the world down.
- Do you know how giraffes were born? Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a horse in the neck!
- Chuck Norris once went to Wendy's and ordered a Big Mac...and got one!
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
- Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
- Chuck Norris doesn't throw up after a long night of partying... he throws down!
- A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. Touching him cured the man's blindness, but the roundhouse kick to the face blinded him again.
- Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
- Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
- The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
- Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
- If you want a list of Chuck Norris's enemies, just check the extinct species list.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
- Although it is not common knowledge, there are three sides of the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
- They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take crap from anybody.
- There are no bombs. Chuck Norris just jumps out of a helicopter and punches the ground.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard. There is only another fist.
- Chuck Norris was originally cast on the show 24. The producers had to fire him after he killed all of the terrorists in 10 seconds.
- When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he really does find gold.
- Chuck Norris can play PS3 games on a Nintendo 64.
- Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
- Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them.
- Chuck Norris: "Few problems in this world cannot be solved by a roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
- Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. He stands outside and dares it to grow.
- Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
- There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- When the Bogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- God said "Let there be light" and Chuck Norris said "Say please!
- Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.
- Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, he goes killing.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity... TWICE!!
- Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
- Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
- Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
- The real cause of global warming? Energy surges from Chuck Norris practicing roundhouse kicks.
- Chuck Norris didn't wet his bed as a child, the bed wet itself out of fear.
- Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
- Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
- There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norrised.
- Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. Now they're just the islands.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and knew karate.
- Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
- Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
- Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
- Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
- When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.